Written By: Laure Saint Georges Chaumet, Mental Health Therapist

The Hammer vs The Screwdriver

There are 2 main categories to respond to someone coming to you for support. Let's call them the Hammer and the Screwdriver. Screws and nails at first glance look pretty similar. But they require very different tools! If you try to use the wrong tool (e.g., a hammer on a screw) you will not get anywhere! It is the same with people.

The hammer symbolizes Problem Solving. Hammering away trying to offer suggestions, solutions, and trying to “cheer up” the other person. Essentially you are hoping to change the other person's emotion to “happy”.

The Screwdriver symbolizes Validation. Taking a slow, calm, roundabout approach and not trying to change or fix anything. Giving the person space to feel their feelings and process their situation.

95% of the time, the hammer does NOT work and you need to use the screwdriver. You will know because you will start to hear Resistance. Resistance sounds like “But...” “I've tried that already” “I've tried everything” “You don't understand” You are not listening to me”.

The reality is that people need to sit with their feelings and process them before they are ready to solve a problem. And people are very capable of solving their own issues. Nobody is coming to you for your amazing problem solving skills. We feel empowered when we solve our own problems. 

So if somebody comes to you and says “I am so frustrated that the printer doesn't work”, try to respond with: “Yea, it is so annoying when it doesn't work. That sucks!” and see how the other person responds! 

If after processing their emotions, they ask for your help in fixing the printer, then you can help them problem solve by asking what they have tried and going from there!