By: Haley McSweeney, Mental Health Therapist

Productive and respectful communication is the foundation of any healthy relationship. Oftentimes it is not the message we are communicating, but HOW we communicate that message that can make the difference between resolving or escalating a conflict. However there are common communication traps that we tend to fall into when we are in conflict. 

One of the foremost authorities on research-based approaches to healthy relationships is the Gottman Institute, founded by John Gottman, an American Psychologist. Gotten identified that there are four particularly destructive communication behaviors that can lead to dysfunction in relationships, which he dubbed “The Four Horsemen”. The Four Horsemen are: Contempt, Criticism, Stonewalling, and Defensiveness.

Criticism

• Criticism is an attack on the character of the person you are speaking with. Criticism is different from issuing a complaint or giving feedback to someone, in that Criticism is an attack that leads to the recipient feeling hurt. To avoid engaging in criticism, try using more I statements and describing your feelings and experience, rather than accusing.

Contempt

• According to Gottman, contempt can be described as mean spirited disrespect, mocking, sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, and making fun of someone. It has been identified as “the single greatest predictor of divorce” in marriages. Engaging in contemptuous communication can cause the recipient to feel attacked and unvalued. To avoid Contempt, first avoid engaging in Criticism regularly. Focus on cultivating a sense of positive regard and assuming positive intent of the person you are speaking with.

Defensiveness

• We tend to engage in defensiveness when we make an excuse for our behavior, rather than taking accountability for it. It communicates to the recipient that you do not take their concerns seriously. To avoid engaging in defensiveness, hear out the person you are speaking with before explaining yourself. Focus on listening, taking responsibility if you need to, and apologizing if necessary.

Stonewalling

• Stonewalling is when we shut down and stop engaging in communication at all with the other person. This brings communication to a screeching halt. Stonewalling usually occurs when we feel overwhelmed or emotionally flooded. To avoid or stop stonewalling, take a break from the conversation with the explicit commitment that you will return to resolve the conflict.

Like every other type of skill, identifying and working to avoid or decrease engaging in The Four Horsemen will get easier with practice. Remember that the goals of engaging in productive communication are not to “win” or shut down the other person, but to listen, problem solve, and repair.

Sources via the Gottman Institute:

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/